The one constant in my life since I was 16 years old is my running – the longer the distance, the better. Though, I am not by any means an ultra-runner or marathoner, my preferred race distance being 10 miles, through thick and thin, running has been there for me. When life was going well, running was a way to express my happiness. In tough times, running, sometimes with tears streaming down my face was a needed distraction. After injury or illness, rebuilding my mileage aided my recovery until I felt myself again. Running connected me to others that run and built a community of likeminded friends who could share their running adventures. Traveling to other countries gave me an opportunity to run in different places – along the Mediterranean in Israel, through the Bavarian countryside in Germany, in the early morning summer days of Scotland and Finland where the sunrose at 4:30am.
I’ve written on this topic before, but running is more than just fitness, in fact, it was never actually about fitness. Over the past four years, I’ve struggled with a knee injury that progressed from an inflamed meniscus to full-blown arthritis and the joint finally degenerating to nearly bone-on-bone. I went through several rounds of physical therapy, cortisone shots and even Hyaluronic Acid injected into the knee with no relief. Multiplying different supplements seemed to help a bit, but never enough to provide real relief. Last autumn, following the final round of HA, I found that as I tried to rebuild my mileage, I needed to take 2 days off after every run to recover. At that point, as we were entering the winter season when running outdoors becomes less enjoyable, I decided to shift entirely to my Peloton bike and hiking. My thought was that I’d stop altogether for the time being and try again in the spring.
Over the winter months, as I took to the Peloton and interspersed indoor cycling with outdoor hiking, I found that a knee brace seemed to help, but there was always the intermittent pain as well as increasing stiffness in the mornings (until I could jump on the bike and get the kinks out). And, so, with some trepidation, I scheduled my 6-month follow-up with the Sports Doctor. The X-ray showed what I knew was likely there – the arthritis was worsening and if the first round of HA hadn’t actually helped, there was no reason to try another round of shots. The doctor, a fellow runner, told me in an extremely sympathetic manner that I shouldn’t expect to start up running again. He also told me that while the activities I have switched to will result in the arthritis progressing, stopping all activities would have even worse effects on my health. So, he advised I should keep doing as much as I could manage, for as long as possible. Though, I think he knew intuitively that I wasn’t likely to stop exercising all together – we runners aren’t ones to just sit still – he made the point, because so many people assume that with old age (and arthritis) comes a need to become immobile (a self-fulfilling prophecy, in my mind). He recommended another style of knee brace, an unloader brace, that will shift the upper leg so that more pressure is on the side of the joint that is not compressed. Then, he said that once I got to the point where hiking and cycling are too painful, I should check back with him for a referral for total knee replacement. As I prepared to leave, he admitted to me that he’s only a few years younger than me and that this week already, he had to tell two runners to stop. I think his genuine sympathy was also rooted in the fact that he knew his running days are nearly over too.
It isn’t easy to contemplate never running a race again or watching other runners outside on beautiful days, and not pulling on my Saucony’s to join them. I enjoy my hiking and have found that as I’ve done more solo hiking, it satisfies my need to get out in nature with my thoughts. My goal of hiking all the US National Parks and other major hiking landmarks internationally gives me a purpose, similar to training for and participating in road races. During the COVID lockdown, when there was no chance to sign up for in-person races, I began planning long weekends around visits to National Parks and hiking trips, so the shift to hiking had already been taking place before this week’s medical prognosis. And yet, it is hard to believe that I’m finally at that place in time. As I’ve worked through other injuries and setbacks over the years, I’ve always said that when a Sports Doctor, who is a fellow runner, tells me that it’s time to stop, then it’s time to stop. Of course, I’ve had other doctors and health professional that ‘hate’ running and have quoted articles or studies that say running is ‘bad,’ and that I should stop immediately; friends that forward me ‘a female runner was killed, raped, mauled, fill-in-the-blank’ news stories to try to imply that I’m risking my life running outdoors; others who told me how running is the worse exercise anyone can do; yet, I’ve held firm in my belief that running was a part of who I am. Considering all the negativity over the years, I’ve sought out medical professionals who are fit, understand the runner’s state of mind and support me. That is why my current doctor has credibility in my mind and I trust his judgement – he knows, he understands, and he’s not telling me this because he has some alternative agenda. I also appreciate that he isn’t pushing the surgical solution as my only option. I am sure that I will be at that point sometime down the road, but not this week.
On the other side of the spectrum, I’ve got my Peloton and have become a bit obsessed with their programs. Always one to maximize a health club membership fee, I find myself looking at how many classes a day I can fit into my early morning workouts. My little home gym that started after lockdown and the California fires prevented me from doing any outdoor exercise at all, has grown to a point where it’s pretty decent. I have my little array of free weights, lots of different props and other enhancements to supplement the bike. I’ve found my favorite instructors and pick classes that suit how the knee is doing, or how I’m feeling on a particular day. I can challenge myself, or not, and the program has something to address whatever fix I’m looking for at the time. And, the other upside is that, no matter what time the sun rises, or how dreadful the weather is, I can jump on the bike and get a full workout without leaving my house. I’m definitely getting a payback on my investment, which also pleases me.
And so, a significant chapter – or maybe, a major theme since it has stretched across all kinds of chapters – ends. Life moves on, and so must I. Endings always bring to mind this song, from A Chorus Line:
Kiss today goodbye,
The sweetness and the sorrow.
Wish me luck, the same to you,
But I can’t regret
What I did for love, what I did for love.
Look, my eyes are dry.
The gift was ours to borrow.
It’s as if we always knew,
And I won’t forget what I did for love,
What I did for love.
Gone,
Love is never gone.
As we travel on,
Love’s what we’ll remember.
Kiss today goodbye,
And point me t’ward tomorrow.
We did what we had to do.
Won’t forget, can’t regret
What I did for love.
