This month was a struggle. Just as things seemed to be turning in the right direction, there was another spike of COVID-19 cases and deaths. It was understandable, but frustrating. People seemed to be tired of dealing with the virus, anxious to get out and socialize, and dealing with traditional summer activities that by their nature involve lots of people gathering in large groups. While I enjoyed several meet ups with friends and my first real vacation since January, the prospect of not seeing my grandson in the near future, not being able to travel to visit friends in the UK and the overall inability to actually plan beyond the present moment felt overwhelming at times. While doing some reading on the Enneagram by Richard Rohr, he mentioned Evagrius Ponticus, and I decided to check him out. I found a book that sounded interesting and relevant and downloaded it to my Kindle. The book I selected was, Despondency: The Spiritual Teaching of Evagrius Ponticus on Acedia, by Gabriel Bunge (translated by Anthony P. Gythiel). While unintended, Evagrius’ teachings on acedia or despondency really spoke to me in these times. Rather than write a blog on just what’s been happening, I thought I’d intersperse it with some quotes from the book that leapt out at me as I was reading it, and how I see the text speaking to me at this time. Since I was reading this on my Kindle, I apologize in advance for quoting location and not page numbers. I don’t know whether this is proper these days when quoting books, but there you go, it’s how I decided to do it.
“The experience these desert fathers gained in their lonely life situations – the experience of human weakness, of being delivered to hostile powers from inside and outside, and also the experience of a concrete liberation from all these evils and the grace-rich foretaste of heavenly magnificence – all this can indicate for the Christian living in the world today a path of liberation to authentic Christian being. (Loc. 532)
What is acedia? Summarizing Cassian’s teaching, the definition according to Gabriel Bunge is,
“A slackening of the tension of the soul, a feeling of emptiness and listlessness, moroseness, the inability to concentrate on a single task, lassitude and weariness of heart.” (Loc. 879).
Other words used to describe it are ennui (boredom), melancholy, angst, depression, despondency and ultimately, sadness. According to Evagrius, these human emotions serve to ‘darken’ our relationship with God. He states,
“Acedia is a simultaneous, long-lasting movement of anger and desire, whereby the former is angry with what is at hand, while the latter yearns for what is not present.” (Loc. 1125) Later, “A despondent person hates precisely what is available, and desires what it not available.” (Loc. 1198).
Ah yes, the struggle of anger and desire. These were especially evident this month as we entered the full summer season. This season is usually about weddings, travel and family gatherings. While Zoom calls have effectively replaced seeing family, I found myself Googling how long it would take me to drive to Houston, Flagstaff or even St. Paul. The answer was “not in a million years.” I’ve done long drives before, routinely driving to Rochester from Boston to visit my son when he lived there (6 hours) or Boston to Washington DC when we used to attend the Children of the American Revolution National conferences (depending on traffic 8 to 10 hours). I even once did a weeklong trek from Boston to Tuscaloosa to deliver my daughter to university (18 hours total), followed by another drive from New Jersey to Alabama when she bought her first car. In these long road trips, we would break them up by visiting tourist sites. Now, driving anywhere means concern over whether anything will actually be open, where you can safely stay and whether you will potentially expose those you love to the virus.
- My apartment to Daughter’s House – 1,913 miles – 28 hours to drive
- My apartment to Sister #1 – 1,965 miles – 29 hours
- My apartment to Sister #2 – 743 miles – 12 hours
- My apartment to Youngest Sister – 2,871 miles – 43 hours
“In the life of the soul, acedia thus represents a type of dead end. A distaste for all that is available combined with a diffuse longing for what is not available paralyzes the natural functions of the soul to such a degree that no single one of any of the other thoughts can gain the upper hand!” (Loc. 1213).
Bunge says that we tend to deny this condition and attribute it to external forces.
“Important reasons must be furnished to clarify and justify their desolate condition, preferably external circumstances entirely independent of themselves, whose innocent victims they are against their will.” (Loc. 1508)
Being the victim – well, I can definitely relate to this one. As I’ve studiously sanitized every time I leave or come back into my house, have religiously worn my mask while being around others, and kept my distance from strangers, there is still some conspiracy theorists and deniers who simply refuse to believe that this virus is incredibly contagious and is spread by human breath or exhalation. These people refuse to wear masks, can’t calculate what six feet looks like and seem to think that a loose bandana wrapped around their face will somehow protect me from their potentially infected expirations. I suspect that those wearing minimal face coverings don’t fully understand what they’re doing, but as California is a ‘no mask, no service’ state, they are minimally complying in order to get their groceries.
By the end of June, restrictions in my area were gradually easing, and I had booked a haircut (first one since February), some other salon appointments and a massage. I was looking forward to these luxuries which had been off limits since early March. Then, our numbers spiked to such a degree, the governor stopped all future openings and, in some cases, rolled back the progress we had been making towards resuming our normal lives. What a crushing blow to gradually resuming the familiar and comfortable routines from pre-March 2020. There were hints on my neighborhood ‘Nextdoor’ group that stylists were going around to people’s homes or cutting hair outdoors, but the governor had been clear, no hair salons are to be open. Now, I do have to say that I’ve not read of any COVID-19 cases being traced to hair salons, but I don’t agree with the idea of people interpreting mandates for themselves, so I just bought some binders (hair ties, elastics, whatever you call them) and have begun wearing a ponytail when I run. My hair is greatly overdue for a cut, but it’s not worth risking my health to have someone cut it. I’ll wait for my ‘guy’ to be back at work in San Francisco someday. In the meantime, I’ve got a good 6-months’ worth of grow-out – he’ll have a lot to work with once the state agrees to reopen hair salons.
Over the past several months, all family events have been postponed. Planned weddings, birthday celebrations, holiday meals and other times that we might come together as a family are on a hiatus. I understand that there are people who continue to travel and push forward with family gatherings, COVID be damned, but my family isn’t like that – we trust the medical community and scientists, and therefore, we wait patiently until it is safe to travel and gather once again. My great hope is that once this virus is under control, we will see a return to my family coming together to celebrate major life events and milestones in person. In the meantime, no matter how frustrating Zoom is, it’s become a necessity. I keep reminding myself how fortunate we are to have things like social media and apps like Zoom, HouseParty, WhatsApp and others to keep in touch with friends and family all over the world. If this had happened 20 years ago, we would be in a much different place right now.
“The yearning so characteristic of despondency for diverse amusements in general, and especially for human companionship, can become almost overwhelming.” (Loc. 1630)
While Evagrius does not advocate being completely alone, he cautions against being too busy or too social as this simply disguises the inner emptiness. It’s the distractions that cause the problem, not the social interactions in and of themselves. The real risk in acedia is that it can become permanent and lead to suicide, to escape the feeling of emptiness, or to a spiritual death. In this context, spiritual death is described as ‘hard-heartedness’ or ‘total unconcern.’ He encourages endurance in isolation to battle the evil represented by despondency. While he recommends being alone during these times, he also recognizes the innate human need for social interaction. Contrary to popular belief, the desert fathers were not opposed to our need and desire to be around others. They were also advocates of spiritual guides who would talk through, lead, guide and mentor those who were struggling spiritually.
This is an interesting passage since what most people seem to miss is the ability to go places, do things and be with other people. I find it interesting, because in some ways, it seemed we were less connected to our communities pre-COVID than when I was growing up. When I was a child, we knew all of our neighbors, we regularly played outside with the other children and there was a whole lot more connection to the local community. In the past 20 odd years, while people were busily going about their days, most didn’t actually know their neighbors, or were so busy checking their phones that they missed what was happening around them. The sense of isolation was growing as younger people recognized that their ‘friends’ on Facebook, Instagram or other social media channels were not actually ‘real.’ For this reason, the distractions or the busy-ness was used to fill time and create the illusion of connection through social media, while we weren’t actually all that connected. In the end, when all social contact had to stop, many were left with a void of human connection.
Certainly, being single and moving to a new city at the beginning of the pandemic prevented me from my usual avenues of making new connections and socializing. My formula for getting quickly connected couldn’t work. Churches were closed and there was no way to find a new worship community. My go-to for making friends, the ‘Women Who Whisky’ club actually met at a bar near my office. With bars closed and group gatherings prohibited, the club has gone to virtual tastings now, where you can still learn about whisky, but there is no real opportunity to meet new friends. Other options, like MeetUp or running clubs are also suspended for the time being. In reality, even if these options were available, I probably would avoid them since they tend to lead to increased contact and potential exposure to the virus. My experience has been that people struggle to figure out what 6 feet is and wearing masks properly when they’ve been drinking alcohol or decide that they feel comfortable with those around them. The risk that a bubble isn’t necessarily a bubble leads me to feel that there needs to be a new and different way of meeting people, but that’s for later discussion.
What the pandemic has done is to reinstate longer term friendships. Now that we can’t meet in person, there are Zoom happy hours with people that you wouldn’t normally see in real life. I’m finding myself reconnecting with high school friends now more than ever. Of course, in my case, a key driver is having two high school friends that happen to live relatively close to me, but there’s also those in Minnesota that I haven’t seen since a reunion many years ago. Suddenly, I’m having drinks with people that I went to school with, but haven’t really spent much time with for the past 28 years since I moved away from Minnesota.
“On the other hand, a mere clenching of one’s teeth would in the long run be an all too negative attitude, which ultimately would serve rather to fix the despondent person’s gaze on his difficult situation than to free him from it.” (Loc. 2212)
After spending so much time and space in this blog over how despondency and acedia align with the current pandemic situation, it’s now time to turn towards, so what do I do about it? While the majority of the book is spent on defining, describing and warnings against succumbing to this vice, Evagrius doesn’t leave us in despair. Even though this was written so long ago, he actually understands the potential for depression and suicide when these emotions overwhelm us. He provides some concrete steps that we can take to come back into relationship with God and use our faith to battle these demons. For the next part of the blog, I’ll outline what he prescribes and discuss how I’ve tried to integrate these into my day to day. I won’t say that I’m 100% there, but by trying to come to terms with the fact that the pre-COVID normalcy may never return, I am contemplating the future and what that looks like.
Evagrius’ rules are outlined and then expanded on in the text.
“Steadfastness, and that one does everything with great care, fear of God and perseverance, (these) heal despondency. Set for yourself a goal in every task and do not rise from it until you have finished it. And pray unceasingly, and express yourself concisely, and the spirit of despondency will flee from you.” (Loc. 2219)
In the case of the monks that Evagrius was speaking to, the hard work is physical labor. In my case, I have a split between intellectual labor – doing my paying job, and physical work – exercising regularly. As I’ve said in other blogs, running has been an important part of my life since I was 16. What I’ve found during this period of enforced isolation is that my running was feeling more of a chore than a compulsion. Some of this may be due to the fact that there are really only 2 routes I can take easily from my apartment, and while one is a circle that can be run clockwise or counterclockwise, the fact is the scenery never changes. Between feeling restless and bored, running the same routes over and over again led me to feel that running wasn’t the release or spiritual experience for me that it had once been. I’ll never stop running, but I recognized that I needed something more or different to break me out of my slump. I consulted with one of my co-workers who is an avid cyclist and bought a hybrid bike that would allow me to cycle on both trails and pavement. I later invested in trail running shoes (yes, they are actually different than regular running shoes – they are sturdier and have a bigger tread). Of course, I also started hiking again more regularly two years ago when I returned to the US, so that gave me a fourth activity to add to my exercise. Getting out in nature and physically moving is my substitute for things like gardening or doing real manual labor. Even when I’m feeling down, I push myself to get outside, breathe the fresh air and move my body. This relates back to Evagrius’ emphasis on self-discipline to focus on the task at hand and do work. Even when I don’t feel like leaving my apartment, getting outside for some period of the day makes a huge difference in my attitude.
“The one who controls the stomach diminishes the passions; by contrast, the one who is defeated by food increases lusts.” (Loc. 2273).
Another trend I’ve noted during the pandemic is the amount of jokes circulating about the COVID 15 or 20 (or however many pounds someone has gained by eating their anxieties). In my work, we’ve seen an uptick in the number of calls to our Employee Assistance Program regarding domestic violence or substance abuse. When under stress, many people act out in self destructive ways, whether it’s eating to excess, drinking alcohol, using illegal or addictive drugs or striking out at those physically closest to them. In my case, I noticed the weight when a dress I hadn’t worn in a long time seemed to be showing my stomach a bit more than usual. Sure enough, my weight had crept up some. It wasn’t the 15 or 20 pounds, but proportionately it was a lot for me. Part of the problem stems from the fact that in addition to my cardio exercise, I’m normally walking a lot – walking to / from my apartment to the train station and office, going out to the coffee shop mid-morning for a cappuccino, walking around the corridors at the office and maybe even walking to a restaurant for lunch. These days, I’m walking the short distance to my kitchen and back to my home office area. This ‘walk’ doesn’t even register as movement for my iWatch which pings me every hour to say I haven’t moved enough. So, even though I’m getting out to exercise for at least 30 minutes every day, I’m less physically active than before. Eating what I normally do, that means that I’m going to gain weight – not enough activity to use the calories I’m eating. It’s basic math.
The prevalence of Zoom happy hours, while great socially also meant that I was tending to drink alcohol more than I normally would do on weeknights. I noticed that I was enjoying my proximity to Sedona and Napa by partaking of their incredible wines and with a well-stocked wine rack, it was easy to enjoy wine with my dinner every day. From past experience, when I was trying to lose my surgery weight after my toe-joint fusion, I know that alcohol has a whole lot more calories and less nutrition than regular food. The easy way to make an immediate difference in my weight as well as to recognize that drinking more alcohol isn’t necessarily a good thing, was to cut it out entirely. I did a 10-day cleanse, broken by toasting a friend who died, and have concluded that I’ll limit my drinking of alcohol to the weekends. As a depressant, and having a father that was an alcoholic, I know too well the other impacts of drinking alcohol during a period of anxiety or uncertainty. My focus going forward will be on enjoying in moderation, as it should be anyway. After all, no one actually knows what you’re drinking on Zoom happy hours, unless you tell them.
Many of my friends are doing the latest diet phase where they fast on certain days. Unfortunately, I find fasting to be a challenge due to my metabolism. I can’t actually run if I haven’t eaten and if I don’t eat after running, I have experienced dizziness and light headedness. So, a fasting diet isn’t for me, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t be aware of my level of activity vis a vis my food intake, and ensure that these are not in conflict with each other. Just a few weeks of reducing alcohol and paying more attention to the calorie / activity balance has already allowed me to reach half my weight loss goal. With a little more awareness of what I’m putting into my body, I’ll be right back where I want to be, and need to be, in order to be physically healthy. Feeling good about my body also goes a long way towards feeling good overall, so there is a definite connection between physical well-being and mental well-being. It’s clear that Evagrius understood this too. He may have been writing without benefit of our current understanding of the mind-body connection, but he was well aware of it.
However, Evagrius goes on to point out that overcoming despondency or acedia cannot be accomplished just by dealing with the physical. Hard work and eating right aren’t going to overcome this condition.
“The stimulus to change can come only from the ‘intellect,’ the seat of the image of God in man, and man’s capacity for God, which can be drawn out from the passions of the soul into compassion, and which does not lose its responsiveness to God’s word.” (Loc. 2333).
Ultimately, it’s the spiritual life that needs to be examined and addressed in order to fully overcome despondency. I read recently that 2/3rd of church-going Christians have now stopped going to church at all, even the online worship services. For me, one of the highlights of my day is the morning prayer service from the Washington National Cathedral. After all these months, I seem to know the priests well, and enjoy their different styles and perspectives. Even though I’ve never met any of them, I actually missed one who took a couple weeks’ vacation recently. This touch point in the morning starts my day as I make my first cup of tea and listen to the prayers, readings and reflections. As with most worship, some readings and reflections speak more to me than others, but I find that starting my day in this way gives normalcy and routine to days that can run together. In addition to the morning prayer services during the week, I’ve also been regularly attending Sunday Eucharist with them. The mix of traditional hymns and more modern music has been a highlight of my Sunday. I love the familiar rhythm of the services and the comfort they bring through the reciting of prayers and the cadence of the service. I benefit from the fact that they live stream at 11:15 EDT, which means that I will sit and have my breakfast in California at 8:15 on a Sunday morning. It gets my day going, and I try not to miss too many of the services. In fact, I am going to miss them all once we do get back into our local churches – if we ever do. In the meantime, I consider myself a full-fledged member of the National Cathedral.
Evagrius places a great deal of emphasis on praying, especially praying the psalms. This is something that I find myself struggling to do. While it seems simple enough to read a psalm every day or to work them into prayer time, I find myself doing it in fits and starts. I do pray – during my morning prayer services and while I’m running or before going to bed or maybe even while washing my hands – but I know that I’m sometimes not as focused as I need to be in order to really center and still my mind. Based on experience, this is one area that I know is helpful, but for some reason it gets lost in the hustle and bustle (or lack thereof) in my days. The solution, according to the author,
“In this case, as Evagrius says, one must always do the opposite of what the adversaries recommend to us, and with great diligence bring to its completion every task begun.” (Loc. 2367).
Interestingly, while praying, Evagrius recommends ‘tears to God on high.’
“In the midst of tears, call upon the Lord at night, and let no one be aware that you are praying, and you will find grace.” (Loc. 2391). In fact, he advises that while shedding tears, one prays, “Lord Jesus, power of my salvation, incline your ear to me, make haste to save me. Be for me a God of protection and a place of refuge in order to deliver me.” (Loc. 2392).
Why tears? The author explains that tears are an admission of one’s own need for deliverance – for help. In this way, tears are a declaration that we need God and an acknowledgement that we cannot overcome the feeling of despondency without help. Furthermore, Evagrius believes that despondency can not only interrupt the ability to pray, but also the ability to shed tears. This goes back to the idea that it results in a hardening of the heart.
Within the centering prayer or contemplative prayer tradition, there is a practice of focusing on a word or short phrase to draw one’s attention back to prayer and prevent the mind from wandering. Evagrius promoted this idea as well. A prayer doesn’t have to be some memorized paragraph with flowery language. Praying isn’t a formulaic process, but a natural communication with God. There are many versions of the ‘Jesus Prayer,’ but I like to use a combination of those I’ve heard, “Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me; son of God, help me.” The key is not to take words that are meaningless or don’t flow naturally for someone, but to find what works best for the individual to communicate with God. Prayers are meant to be a dialogue with God, with the ultimate goal of experiencing something of God. Evagrius refers back to the psalms as the ‘enchanting words of David,’ and recommends that the reading and praying of the psalms will help to comfort us. He’s drawing on his familiarity with experiencing the healing impact of the psalms, and I agree that there are many that I find especially helpful.
“Why are you filled with sadness, my soul? Why are you so distraught? Trust in God for I shall give praise to him. He is the one who saves me, the light of my eyes, and my God.” (Loc. 2508).
And, even more,
“While songs inspired by the demons incite our desire and plunge our soul into shameful fancies, the ‘psalms, and hymns, and spiritual songs,’ invite the intellect to the constant memory of virtue by cooling off our boiling anger and by extinguishing our lusts.” (Loc. 2517).
I find it interesting that Evagrius spends so much time focusing and emphasizing the psalms and singing. Of course, one of the aspects of a worship community I enjoy most is the music, especially singing songs of praise and enhancing the overall worship experience. Unfortunately, singing or even praying together seems to be a very effective means of spreading COVID-19, so this is no longer possible. My hope is that we are someday able to gather together to express ourselves through music and singing, whether that be in worship or at a concert. However, for now, I can sing as loudly as I want in my apartment or as I walk about town (the benefit of a mask is that I can sing, or hum and people won’t think I’m totally crazy). Singing in the shower or at other times is great fun, and clearly, Evagrius recognized how this can help bring us closer to God. I’ve heard the saying that when you sing, you pray twice, and he seems to agree that singing is an even higher form of communicating with God.
The greater question of ‘why me?’ or why we suffer is an age-old question, and is certainly one that can be asked when feelings of despondency overwhelm us. Evagrius sees this as a part of human nature. We suffer to bring us closer to God and ultimately for our own salvation. No one gets through life without some testing of their faith, or some trial. While Job is an extreme example, we see many times in the Bible and throughout Christian history where the saints, the apostles, followers of God have been tempted or forced to overcome obstacles to achieve salvation.
“Just as an athlete cannot be crowned if he does not contend in the wrestling match, so too can no one become a Christian without a struggle.” (Loc. 2593).
For Christian’s it’s Jesus’ suffering that led to his salvation.
“During his life on earth, he offered up prayers and entreaty, with loud cries and with tears, to the one who had the power to save him from death, and, winning a hearing by his reverence, he learnt obedience, Son though he was, through his sufferings, when he had been perfected, he became for all who obey him the source of eternal salvation.” (Loc. 2604).
“Acedia is experienced by those affected by some type of dead point in their spiritual life. One cannot imagine ever rising again from the abyss.” (Loc. 2904).
Evagrius’ solution is to focus on prayer as a means to overcome it.
“Prayer is a state of perfect rest and clarity of the intellect.” (Loc. 3097).
A deep peace and ‘ineffable’ joy that result from prayer, and connection to God, come together in a way to free the soul from acedia.
This concept of acedia or despondency is an indication of human suffering or a disease of the soul.
“The one who reaches this point, depending on how he behaves, sets his foot either on a path that leads him sooner or later to a spiritual and sometimes even physical death, or on a path to life. Depression can mean the end or the beginning of true life.” (Loc. 3487).
Our desire to return to what we had or to restart our lives cannot be satisfied. Even if a cure were found tomorrow, or a vaccine miraculously appeared, this virus is not going away anytime soon. The realities it has exposed about how we interact, the disparities in healthcare, the differences for the ‘haves’ and ‘have nots’ – who can work from home and who can’t, the dependence on low-wage workers for everything from coffee to groceries to our insatiable desire for ‘stuff’ from Amazon, how children are cared for and educated – all these things have exposed major issues with how we function as a society. Longing for the pre-March world just leads to frustration and anger. Looking at ‘where do we go from here?’ as well as ‘how must we change in the future?’ are more constructive questions. Spending a lot of time thinking about all the things that cannot happen assumes that we cannot change and adapt how we interact in the world or deal with things like births, weddings, graduations, funerals or other major life milestones. Perhaps we need to look at how we can create new traditions taking into account the fact we are living in the midst of a seriously contagious disease. Grieving over the loss of our familiar traditions is necessary, but in order to move forward, we have to question how we can start new traditions and keep our loved ones safe and healthy at the same time.
“Worse still, the frustration of our diffuse desires and the impossibility of their being fulfilled immediately call ‘sadness’ onto the scene, the feeling of disappointment and emptiness, a condition that immediately precedes acedia.” (Loc. 3544) “To persevere also means to resist the urge of the irrational desires.” (Loc. 3555).
“This waiting is not a blind suffering, but a conscious waiting for God. There is only one way out of the vicious circle of acedia – when the human being breaks through the prison walls of his ‘I,’ of his hopeless isolation, and reaches real personhood, a transparency towards the other, and thereby also true love, finding himself in the surrender to the other’s ‘You.’” (Loc. 3564).
Evagrius contends that the only way we can experience this true love is through direct and personal encounter with God. The peace and joy we seek can only be given to us by God. By prayer, contemplation and study we can pursue this encounter. Ultimately, his solution to despondency and acedia are tied to how we physically and mentally respond, including our spiritual response to these feelings. Focusing on the ‘what if’s’ or everything we’ve lost due to this pandemic isn’t going to lead us to a successful outcome.
When I finished this book, I happened to take up my trusty copy of the Book of Common Prayer for the Episcopal Church. I flipped to the psalms and it fell open to Psalm 27. This captured my mood at the time,
Psalm 27
1 The Lord is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?
2 When the wicked advance against me
to devour[a] me,
it is my enemies and my foes
who will stumble and fall.
3 Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident.
4 One thing I ask from the Lord,
this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the Lord
and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
and set me high upon a rock.
6 Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the Lord.
7 Hear my voice when I call, Lord;
be merciful to me and answer me.
8 My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
Your face, Lord, I will seek.
9 Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
God my Savior.
10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
the Lord will receive me.
11 Teach me your way, Lord;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.
12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
spouting malicious accusations.
13 I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.
